remote control shark

This isn’t really a confession because I do not believe that watching TV is inherently bad. Not at all. I feel the same way about phones.

Freddy had a great violin lesson earlier this week and it is 100% because I bribed the shit outta him. He has been obsessed with remote control sharks- remote control anything really- and when I saw one at our local toy shop, I began to consider using it to influence his lesson behavior. I am relatively neutral when it comes to bribes. I do not have a hard and fast opinion about using them and like most things in parenting I think it comes down to context. I knew that using the shark as a carrot for him leading up to his lesson might have a desired effect, especially in light of the difficulty of his previous lesson. By letting him know that there was this longed-for toy on the line, he was motivated to generate a level of focus and compliance necessary to get through the brain-building work of learning an instrument. But what I was really banking on happening, was that he would elevate his participation in the lesson enough to have success large enough to be its own reward. The toy then became simply a tool to help produce the outcome I desired. Now, when we go forward into his next lesson, he has the big success of the previous one to draw upon and the shark is in some sense irrelevant. Neither here nor there. He will remember why he got it, but that memory doesn’t stand a chance of being as strong as the one that connects his effort to the reward of increased success in his violin lesson. Moving forward, we have that experience to draw upon, and in a sense the remote-control shark becomes insignificant.

Other than the fact that it is a battery-operated remote control toy which is somewhat annoying to begin with. I had a strict no batteries rule when the big kids were little but like many things that too has softened for me with age. I have way less fucks to give when it comes to all of the rules that even have a hint of arbitrary tucked inside of them. He sure has fun playing with remote control toys and so do Chris and Eider so, what can I say?

Freddy is kid number three in oh so many ways. The most glaring of course being the amount of screen time the kid gets. We didn’t even own a tv until I was pregnant with him. Eider was nine and Maple nearly thirteen when we finally got a flat screen and family movie night no longer meant the four of us huddled around the laptop. Once Freddy arrived, I kept him away from screens for his first year or so, letting my intuition guide me more than any other imposed belief or nebulous fear. By the time he was two he was watching a few shows here and there. It was nice not to place big parameters on his viewing. We were parents of older kids, after all, which meant we finally had reclaimed some of the space that the younger kid season has little to none of. It let us maintain a sliver of space and we appreciated it. At some point, we began letting him watch for a bit in the morning as the rest of us went about the business of getting ready for the day. I also often let him watch something while I work out or practice, taking full advantage of media’s role as his babysitter.

This isn’t really a confession because I do not believe that watching TV is inherently bad. Not at all. I feel the same way about phones. Not good, not bad, but something that does indeed require dynamic management. It is the other factors that influence the context and generally tip it one way or another. The primary two are duration and type. And we had let that slip for Freddy in a way that was apparent in his behavior as well as his general demeanor. He needs us to do a better job of managing his relationship to screen time than we had been. Not a big deal. But something that required action on our end and that is to say that it would be far harder for us to adjust than it would be for him. But adjust we have. First with a big pallet cleansing television fast, which we are currently still in the midst of. The next phase will be making a clear plan regarding the when, what, and how much within a given week, and retracting daily access indefinitely. It is not a big deal. But it does require our ongoing attention and a sturdy plan.

Listen, I rarely if ever discuss things like this outside of my family anymore. I care very little about what other people are doing in their own families. If it is working for you, great. However, I do tend to think that making broad sweeping declarations regarding the inherent good or evil of anything is a haphazard and unproductive way to go. It lacks the nuance and discernment that I believe is critical for us to model for our kids as they learn and grow. A complete moratorium on anything (so sorry baby meg) is shortsighted and unproductive. They are going to need to learn how to manage their own relationships with cause and effect, with differing variables across a wide range of circumstances. They need to see us problem solve, adapt, and pivot when necessary. The tv isn’t evil. It’s awesome. Same with the phone. Same with battery-operated toys (I guess). But unfettered access to anything is the factor that can potentially be damaging and that we can 100% manage for with clarity and grace.

So that’s what’s happening over here and it is going great. It has been a week and he hasn’t asked to watch a single thing since the first day. We are reading more, pulling the puzzles out more, and his independent imaginative play is deeper and more involved than it has ever been. Do we as his caretakers need to be a little more communicative with one another so that we can still get the time we need to care for ourselves without leaning on tv? Of course. And we will factor some of that time back into the big picture once this initial fast is over, in the next couple of days or so. But it will be flexible and adaptive because it must be. Because that is the nature of who we are.

That is all. My two cents. Onward. I am sure I’ll find something to cry about sooner than later.