panic a bit
november-ish
Every week or so, Freddy and I venture over to Hardwick and stop in at Front Seat. We park along the road by the elementary school and Freddy always likes to walk up on the terraced wall rather than the sidewalk. He likes it because it takes him up taller than me for a moment and he gets a big kick out of that. He gets big for a beat and then he gets small again and I think that feels so impossible to him that it seems like a joke. Like ha ha ha one day yeah right. But I am of course tethered to the truth of this trajectory so I am like yeah yeah sob sob sob.
For an out of the ordinary (ha ha we are back to 2 cars!) treat this weekend Maple joined us for a favorite coffee shop date and she got to play this game with her brother too. She also knows the truth of the story, the jokes on you punch line, with one of her little brothers already half a head taller than her. Whenever Fredlet tells her how big he is she’s always one day and not yet and soon enough and all that.
It’s hard when these little boys get bigger than you. And it is hard knowing that even if they aren’t yet, that one day they will and that is the both the perfect goal and also the eternal heartache. The little boys love to snuggle so much. More than Maple ever really did. In some ways she is more snuggly now than she was when she was little and I am grateful for that. Eider has kind of shaken me off in the last year or so, once the world’s greatest snuggle lump, now a little more remote from his mama.
So in this game of oh I am so big, jk I’m still really little, I cannot help but panic a bit that one day he will not only be big but also grow out of all of the snuggling and fuck if I just really can’t take knowing that. Another cute moment that turns into a timeline ribbon of all that once was, even if it still is. What’s wrong with me? Blergh. Why do I live like this? Lol. I just love the content of my life so very very much. It shines.