old towels
time traveling on vacation
We sat on Sand Beach yesterday in the middle of the day when the tide was low and the beach was as big as it gets. Everyone on the island with kids 8 and under was there. It was bright and hot in that funny way that Islesford makes a 63-degree day feel like 80 and we were all in and out of the freezing North Atlantic, covered in salt and sand and looking very much what I imagine our parents and grandparents did 30, 40, 50, 60 years ago. The towels parents sit on in an effort to keep the sand out of our swimming suits and picnics had been pulled from the linen closets of mausoleums. The oldest towels in circulation. From where I sat chatting with summer friends I could see my husband kicked back on his own ancient towel, half sun-screened and sandy, a little bit stoned and so smiley. He looked relaxed and vacation-y and it made every single cell of me so happy. To see him free and easy. To sit in the sun in so much joy. And then out of nowhere, and cuz it is always there, I remembered that his six-month appointment is in a week or so. It hasn’t crossed my mind. He looks so hale and hearty. But then I remember that when we found out he was sick it felt like it came out of nowhere. He seemed well. Of course, my retrospect sees all of the signs now in hi-def, but at the time? At the time I was blindsided. So now I wonder, tears streaking through SPF hot on my face; on this bright and gorgeous day, in this perfect season of our lives, when we are all together, surrounded by family and friends with whom the intimacy is real and deep and true; is there something that I am not seeing? Have I missed some dark indication of disease? Am I (I am) keeping myself naive of our mortality? It is ok if I am. It is beautiful really. This impulse to keep out of mind the possibility of everything unraveling in a moment. It is ok. It is perfect. What magic to have the capacity for such extreme presence in the face of an unknown and inevitable abyss. Here on this island. This morning, a new day, the sun is obscured by a thick fog bank and choppy seas. And even so, here we all are, free and alive, living inside of love, my favorite person in the whole universe relaxed and easy. Laughing and playing with his children. On vacation.