I'm sorry

that you knew and I didn't yet; or that you do not know now, but one day will

I have been a slurry of tumbledown feelings. I am still. My face and throat feel all the time like I have recently cried, even when the tears haven’t come yet today. They will though. They always do. Even just thinking about them I can feel them working their way up from my chest, the skin tightening around my collarbones. I am in a new terrain, and I imagine that this one is more likely than not a forever change. No going back now. I cannot un-know what it is I have been learning in this new space.

Much like when I became a mother to begin with. Nothing anyone said was ever going to prepare me for the indelible change of walking out of my young womanhood and into this other being, one no longer entirely, and in some seasons even remotely, my own. There is no proper imagining of what it might be like when your baby is all of the way grown and set off on their own. Baring some unforeseeable horror, your child has either moved out and closed the door on their childhood, or they have not. And as much as I am in awe over the perfect fit of all of these pieces, the glorious wonder of our daughter doing exactly what she is meant to do, being entirely who she is meant to be; her absence is profound and no matter how many more kids we have to bring up over the course of however many years, she is no longer here with us and that is the most undeniably painful truth of it all.

We are, in this moment, where we were always headed in the best-case possible scenario. The ultimate good fortune. The prize of every effort and every stroke of luck. I know this. I even understand it to a degree. And yet, I am not quite clear on the trajectory of loving someone with every scrape of my self and knowing them so thoroughly and holding them in my arms nearly every day for 18 years to then release them so wholly. How do we do that? How is this not the most counterintuitive of possible pathways forward?

Oh my god I am so sorry to everyone who has undergone this change when I didn’t know enough to call you or hold you while you sobbed in my arms for all the hours, weeks, years it takes for skin to thicken around this absence. I am equally sorry to those of you who have yet to be severed in such a way. Nothing I say will prepare you but I will try my best not to lie to you about it. It will hurt. It will last forever.

It blows my mind that this is what winning looks like. This is the triumph and I think perhaps made even more so for how it hurts. This is the way. We Facetimed with Maple for like an hour and a half the other night and it was sheer delight. She isn’t wearing rose-colored glasses; her skills in discernment and self-reflection are well-established and strong and serving her so well already. She said she feels like she is exactly where she is supposed to be. She said that she feels more like herself than she ever has before. Embodied, inspired, curious, humble, ready to make a shit ton of art. Some good, some crap, and all of it moving her deeper into the hub of her work in the world. Yes to all of this.

I know we played a part. That our values and our family culture nurtured her well. But I know more than anything, like all of the bits and pieces that have revealed themselves regarding the gifts of this life, that it is mostly the fruit of chance and profoundly exceptional good fortune. That, more than anything.

I also know that placing value on paying attention and self-improvement coupled with compassion and sincere thanks giving goes a really long way in supporting the development of incredibly good people. We didn’t start out in that space as parents but we have devoted ourselves to it, made a practice of it; especially over the past decade or so; and we witness what it yields. Not just in our kids but in each other and most of our relationships. I want to be fully myself in the world and that takes ongoing effort and devotion. I am in service to this desire. I take a lot of hard looks at myself and I’m happy to cheer on anyone interested in doing the same. Our kids have grown/are growing into that practice and we see it. We feel it. We benefit from it as does the rest of the world they live in.

Eider headed off to his tenth-grade year this week and both Chris and I reflected on how well he seems. He is happy and unafraid to be wholly himself and that is all we could ever hope for. He spent the summer almost entirely with us. Hanging out, working out, pitching in, and never did I once wonder if he rather be somewhere else. He is so solid. Like his sister. They know themselves which is infinite leagues from where I could have even begun to imagine being at their ages. I didn’t even know those were options. If this is the foundation that we have provided, then yes, I believe we are winning. That this is gold. Even though the path forward includes the massive holes they leave behind in our every day and in our lives, still yes yes yes to exactly this. I sense my work now more than ever being to stay all the way open to loving and caring for them even if it means the more I love the more I lose. The more heartache I continue to be drenched in. I’m gonna do it anyway.

Eid and I were working out the other day after school and I looked over at him at one point and was just like “buddy, you look so strong and powerful. I can see your hard work and all of the passion you pour into reaching your goals and I am so incredibly proud of you.” He walked right over to me, put his big arms around my somehow now smaller than his body, and said: “It’s all because of you and dad, mom. I do it because that is what you do. You are the ones who show me how to work for what I want.” What do I say to this? Other than thank you and thank you and yes and I love you.

I am following my intuition here and I think it is the only true way to go. I am in uncharted territory not in the sense that no one has walked this path before, you probably know far better than me the joke of that. But I have certainly never learned how to do this in a way that makes sense to me, so that is what I am trying to do now. I am full of questions that are better held in silence than in answer-seeking. The only answers that are likely to make much sense to me are the ones I find all the way inside my heart. It is easy to walk the path of giving my kid space to do her thing, to wait for her to call me, to wait for her to need me. But I always wanted my mom to call me, even when I didn’t, and she took my lead and never did. So I reach out when I want. I am modeling the open-handedness of love to my daughter even if she is miles away in her new city by the sea. I do not need a return but I will always let her know that I am here and that she has my heart and all of my confidence. No matter how far or how long. I am infinite. I am starlight and surf on sand and the wind as it moves through autumn leaves just as they break loose and float free. I am her mom and I will always desire to improve my mothering of her. It is the why and the how of my life of practice.

Gosh, have you cried yet? Was that enough for today? Can you feel the bottomless depths of love and tears inside of you that is perhaps everything you were ever meant to be? I can. I do.