I'd do it again

they turned out pretty well so far as I can tell and it might make sense that I make similar choices with this third little nugget

Fredzo had his 5-year well check earlier this week which is always packed with dread for the little guy. I waited until he was 2 or so to begin his immunizations, so it has been a game of catch-up for him, which means that every time he goes in he gets a shot. Or three. He finished up this week though and now unless he gets a flu shot or something unforeseen presents, he is all done with shots until he is twelve. That is way too abstract for him to embrace, but I certainly get it. I get a good chuckle out of it too cuz the big kids didn’t even begin to get vaccinated until they were eight and five; our first two years in Vermont they were on the immunization super highway with 2-3 shots in their arms every 3 months or so.

The evolution of parenting choices is fascinating. The further in I go, the more I understand the heft of my values, what sticks and what fades. Our MD also asked me if he’d be beginning school this year, he is five after all and the local kindergarten is eager for his tax dollars to be redirected their way. He is not starting kindergarten this year, however. He is so freshly five and always been a little young for his age in terms of how he wants to play and who his buds are and the decision to keep him in Forest Preschool two days a week for another year is any easy one.

What I didn’t mention is that he won’t be going to kindergarten the following year either. I get such a kick out of how often folks are surprised that we intend to home-educate Freddy. It really cracks me up. Especially in light of how highly praised and complimented both Maple and Eider always are for so many aspects of their personality, their behaviors, and their accomplishments. In fact, when I relayed this conversation with the doctor to them, along with my suspicion that she too might raise an eyebrow at our decision, Eider blurted out: but! everyone loves us! Ha! And, yes. They are remarkable and it does not go unnoticed in our communities. Do I think that is a result of homeschooling? Not necessarily. I believe it is primarily a result of values, which just happen to have been well supported and reinforced by home education.

I appreciate how it may be confusing to see where I land in regard to school from the outside looking in; there have been a lot of iterations and so many different stages and seasons. But for the most part, I have a sturdy opinion that a good preschool is gold, and after that, unless there is an overarching childcare need, there’s no reason for kids to go to school until they are older. So long as they are being taught literacy and math, which by no means takes 35 hours a week- it barely takes 4- then they are set. I believe that their days are best spent in play, outside as much as possible, and exploring any and all activities and interests the family can support. Then by the time they eventually go to school, if ever or in whatever capacity, they have a good sense of who they are, what they enjoy, and that learning is fun.

I recognize that the starting point for these decisions is a certain degree of privilege. It is also a willingness to pick and choose and compromise. Chris and I are not of incredible, or even all that significant, means. But we decided early on that we would forgo childcare for the most part and that my primary vocation would be rearing and educating our kids. Any other work I do by design fits into the cracks of this larger work. It also has meant that in choosing to expose our kids to a good number of pursuits in their early years and then supporting their core interests throughout their childhood, we wouldn’t be in a position to save much for college or trade school or whatever follows for them.

We are living at both ends of this reality right now as we simultaneously begin to add activities into Freddy’s rhythm and also help our oldest navigate how exactly to pay for art school. This shit is very tense and demands I use every single skill I have in terms of managing financial stress and how I regulate my nervous system around relatively fixed variables. One of my big jobs this summer is educating and soothing Maple in regard to managing the ongoing pressure of loans, and debt, and interest rates, and payment plans. It is all incredibly counter-intuitive to any other part of parenting I have experienced thus far. I always strive to take the pressure off them, however I am able. Or, at the very least, disperse it and make it more manageable. Now I am hoping to teach her how to bear it in a healthy and functional way. Help her learn how to not let it completely overwhelm and derail her. How to compartmentalize parts of this financial collegiate reality.

She is doing great with this steep learning curve. She really is. Far better than I would have done being handed this responsibility at her age. Her capacity in this is reinforcing our choices and our values and yet I would also fix it for her in a heartbeat if I were in a position to do so. I said to Chris the other day that getting your kid ready to take on a bunch of loans and head off to college feels a lot like lighting them on fire and shoving them out the door. Not exactly a natural instinct.

And yet… The conversation and consideration around values is an ongoing one. I think it may be the most significant aspect of long-term parenting, the way in which we stumble around, picking and choosing what we want to pay attention to, what we want to emphasize. And then eventually, over the course of a lot of time and practice, the true values rise to the surface and the rest dissolves and fades away. I am thankful for this clarity of time.

This is probably a whole other thread of conversation, but something I come up against pretty regularly is regarding media and screen time. Maple and Eider had next to none til they were seven and four. Freddy has had lots since he was about two. And it isn’t just the “third child relaxing of rules” scenario. Or it is but that is actually code for the emerging clarity of values. I am very clear that media is not the variable that is going to fuck up my kids. It just isn’t. And as soon as I start to hem and haw about things like “unfettered access” and the like, I am already talking about a set of different variables. What is most relevant is how our core values are reflected in the parenting choices we make. Communication, kindness, honesty, trust, respect, empathy, boundaries, play… these are the overarching context of any particular content.

So, yeah. We are doing a lot the same with Freddy as we did with the bigs and the shit we aren’t doing is the shit we have learned either doesn’t really matter that much or simply isn’t reflective of what is most important to us. Home Ed looks to be one of those things that matters a lot for a whole bunch of reasons, at the heart of which is an affirmation of our values as parents raising good, interesting, funny, smart, capable, compassionate, problem-solving humans.

Alrighty. I suppose that is it for the moment. I may scratch into some real tears in a minute if I steer toward the week ahead so I will leave it at that for now. Cool, calm, reasonable. Thanks for reading. More soon.