for m + e

on reserve

When my first two were young

I was sure that I was devoted to them completely

But I was holding back

and I am sorry for that now

For all of the ways I didn’t know 

that the intensity of those first

five

six 

seven

years would not last forever

I am sorry that I kept some pieces of my heart 

on reserve

Sorrier still that I didn’t have the sense to know I was

Hoarding some scraps of some former identity

something that meant nothing 

but that I was scared to lose anyway

I thought I gave it all to those babies

but I also thought I might have all of the time in the world to give it

I had no idea how urgent it all was

How urgent it is

Now with this late youngest 

there is nothing to hold back and I give it all

I am not scared that I might not have any left for me when I keep charging my love like this

I let that part of me burn

I know exactly 

The year, the month, the day

when suddenly I could see my role and my task 

my most embodied opportunity 

and this incredible fleeting gift

In technicolor clarity

I am theirs

And that has been the most freeing revelation of all

The more I give, the more I grow

The more my heart becomes sculpted by sublime love

The more my legacy becomes devotion to these three 

or us five 

or the very essence 

of me