bathmat

i love you and i love being alive

I went on a run yesterday afternoon

the first in forever and 

it felt so good

sometimes it does  

sometimes it doesn’t 

I’ve little influence over either

when I was back 

we showered together

in your grandmother’s tiny old shower

she was so petite 

we are not

our littlest came into the bathroom

we barely heard him

and lay down on the bathmat

lulled by the soft sounds of water and chit-chat 

by the time we were out 

he was fast asleep

it’s always a gamble

wake him up or 

let him rest

island days are full and active and 

we opted for sleep

it was so early

but he slept through the night anyhow

not on the bathmat

I scooped him up and moved him to the bunk below 

where his big brother sleeps hours later and hours longer

it gave us unplanned time 

to be soft and quiet

work on a puzzle

listen to a book

it’s always sweet cuz it’s always seldom

your own big brother asked you to go on a bike ride 

off island 

with him 

first thing this morning

it is easier to consider when the night ends so young

but you were anxious and tentative

he’s always been excited 

for you

to thrash him and to have 

to fight to keep up 

the little boys going strong inside 

the near 50-year-old men

you made yourself all the way vulnerable 

in that way 

that is so hard with family

a little reminder of 

red blood cells and 

restored fitness and 

the rebuilding of muscle and tendon and flesh and spirit

it's simple to state your place and ask for care 

and yet

never easy to execute

I love now so much the generosity 

of your tenderness

the way the truth spills right over the old edges of 

keeping up appearances

even when we knew appearances were 

always fucked

it is still difficult to ask

to say 

I am not sure how strong I am today

but I know I love you

and I love being alive

I love having a body to experience the world through

to play to ride to bathe to sleep

to hold and be held

we were all up bright and early this morning

as we knew we would be

you to ride bikes and 

me to fill the belly of a boy who fell asleep before dinner

now the sun is bright 

and shining

the sea is wide 

and smooth 

and open

it is another day 

to be soft and whole